The Last Post

This little blog is going away.  I'm taking the same concept, except doing it more and better, at the Not Celebrity Fit Club.  By making the Not Celebrity Fit Club its own brand, it will help me to keep my blog entries focused.  I am also inviting other writers to contribute.  Hopefully, together we'll form a community of fitness success.  Come, enjoy the journey with us.

The DCC

This past Sunday, I completed the Door County Century (DCC), a hundred-mile bike ride.  I didn't win--it's not a race.  Last year I went, but I didn't do the hundred-mile course--I did 70 or 75 or whatever the second-longest option was.  This year I did the whole thing.

Last year's route didn't have nearly as much time near the water as one would expect for a bike ride in a narrow peninsula with no real other physical features worth mentioning.  This year was much better.  A good portion of the ride was within view of water, which was nice.  They also increased the number of rest areas from three to six--which was excessive.  I even skipped one of them.

The highlight of the trip, I think, was nowhere near the water, which is odd for a water-lover such as myself.  In the middle of the peninsula, with no water nearby (relative to anywhere else on the ride, anyway), stood an old barn with a sign which read "NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY."  Awesome.

Wisconsin is fun like that.  I also saw a couple old rusted boats (the same ones that were there last year, although the canoe didn't have the pretend people with milk jugs for heads in it anymore) in people's front yards, too. 

One property was for sale that I didn't see anything except trees and bushes.  The sign said "Horse Ranch For Sale."  I guess the horses in Illinois are pansies, because ours like to run around in the grassy fields.  They'd probably die on that horse ranch in Door County.

Also, wear your helmet.  It keeps your brain from going scrambled eggs if you crash.

That is all.

Run Farther

A while back, I ran 10.1 miles and blogged about it, after which I swore off running, declaring it the most boring thing I could think of to do with my time.  Well, just like when I retired from the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club, I went all Michael Jordan and started running again.  I didn't blog about it because, well, it is the most boring thing I could think of to do with my time.  I wasn't trying to be obsessive or become a real runner or any of that crap.  I was just...running.

Last week, I ran that 10.1-mile route again.  I do not normally go that far.  I don't think I should even be able to do that.  Of course, any time someone has found out about it, they seem baffled.  How could I do that?  Well, here it is, friends:

How to run farther than you ever thought possible

I start running at a comfortable pace.  I prefer to run at night.

About six steps into it, I start mentally preparing myself.  I tell myself that it is going to be a very long run, that I can do it, and that I will do it regardless of how it feels.

My brain begins to wander.  I don't think that helps, that's just who I am.  I don't think about how it feels, or whether I'm hungry or tired or thirsty, because it doesn't matter--I'm doing this run and I'm not dealing with any of that other stuff right now.

If I start to feel discomfort, I ignore it.  I know that in my physical state I am not going to kill myself or seriously damage myself by going on a little run today.  My legs are the only part of my body that even has the right to complain, because my legs are doing all the work.  Even the legs don't matter, though.  No one has ever died of a leg attack.

Eventually, regardless of your physical fitness, you are going to feel like you can't go on any farther, or at least not much farther.  Congratulations!  You may now turn right.  Once you feel like you cannot go on any more, you may turn right again.  Congratulations!  You're half done with the longest run of your life.

You can't stop now.  You're quite far from home.  What are you going to do, walk?  It would take hours to get home from here.  Since you're tired now, why don't you just run home and rest?

There it is.

Evening Cycling

Did you know that it is illegal to ride your bike at night without lights?  It is--in Byron, Illinois, anyway.  At least that is what the friendly officer told me.  The thing is, my bike has lights.  It's just that those batteries are finite little things--they only last so long.  I had a tail light, just not a headlight.

Do you know why it is illegal to ride your bike at night without lights?  Without headlights, you can't see.  These country bumpkins that live out in the boondocks track great big quantities of mud and dirt out into the roadway and don't think twice about it.  But you think twice about it when you hit them--fifteen or twenty of them--during your quiet little ride through the country after dark.  Believe you me, those little road tires on that fancy five-ounce bike aren't going to absorb anything.  It.  Is.  Unpleasant.

I didn't have anything better to do anyway.

Bike With Mike

I have kind of been doing this in an informal way, but I am in the process of putting together a bicycling club of sorts.  For those of us who are here in the Rockford area, I'll try to encourage you to train and get out and off your couch--at least when the weather is decent.  I'll still try to encourage those of you in Texas or wherever, but I'm limited in what I can do for you. 

The goal of the moment is to ride together at this year's Door County Century in September.  The DCC is a 100-mile bike ride in Door County Wisconsin.  For those of you who think that sounds utterly unimaginable, there are shorter routes available as well (but do the whole thing).  Really, though, there is plenty of time to prepare and it's not that hard.  (It's not a race.)

I'd like to get some team shirts (unless you want to be cool and wear real-life bicycling clothes--totally not my style), maybe see about using it to support some cause.

I've got a half-dozen people who have expressed interest so far.  Let me know if you want to join!  If you don't know me personally, and you don't want to just leave your information in a comment, you can join our Facebook group.

I'm Back

I am just like Michael Jordan.  I am the best there ever was, the best there ever will be.  Wait, no, that's not it.  I'm like Michael Jordan because I reached my goals, retired, and a little over a year later I have decided to return with great fanfare. 

* insert great fanfare here *

I haven't blogged about the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club for over a year, and in that time I have done absolutely nothing to work towards fitness.  It's kind of gross, actually. 

The one thing that I did do last year, though I never bothered to blog about it, was to attend the Door County Century.  I fully intended to do the full hundred miles of the ride, but I wussed out and did the 75 mile route--something I blame entirely on riding my low-end mountain bike instead of a high-quality road bike like everyone else. 

Well, I'm doing it again.  It appears that I've actually assembled a group of riders already, as I've already got a half-dozen people who say they want to participate.  It should be a lot of fun.  And, unlike last year, I think I will actually train for the thing.  If you would like to join us (or sponsor us), get in touch with me.  (If you don't have a better way, comments definitely work.)

My Retirement

Dear Friends,

The purpose of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club has never been to battle our "Not Celebrity," but a battle against "Not Fit." While some readers may not appreciate the subtleties of this distinction, I think most of you were able to grasp the significance.

I have never personally struggled with "Not Celebrity." Women want to be with me. Men want to be me. (Some men want to be with me, too, but we won't go there.) Our cause needed a spokesperson, and I have always been willing to take whatever role I could to help make America beautiful again. At times, however, I have struggled with the "Not Fit" part.

It was from these roots that I embraced my role in the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Our Club has had its desired effect. I am fit now. (If you can run ten miles without training for it, I will declare you fit as well.) Instead of fighting with you in the valley, America, I now sit on the top of the mountain and await your arrival. Join me in the bliss of fitness.

Therefore it is with minimal sadness and great superiority that I must retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Join me, oh beautiful America! I miss you so!

Love,

Mike Lyons
The Not Celebrity Fit Club Spokesman Emeritus

I rule.

Hate is a Strong Word

Hate is an awfully strong word.

I hate running.

I may have mentioned my hate of running in previous blogs (1, 2, 3). I will occasionally (approximately once every six months) go run a mile. I don't like it, but I know it's good for me. But, I honestly hate running. It is simply the most boring thing I can think of to do with my time.

Last time I ran a mile, however, someone told me that I should try running ten miles. I'm sure she's done it loads of times. She said it's torture. That sounds like a challenge to me. I pondered it for a few days, and decided what the heck--I'll try it. So, I found a little route through the countryside that Google Maps indicates is 10.1 miles.

Mind you, I don't think I've ever run more than three miles at once before in my entire life--and that was at least a decade ago. What a great idea.

I hate snow.

I dislike cold in general, but snow is the worst. I guess snow isn't so bad if you don't have to go outside in it. I did go out in the cold, though. Snow is cold. Snow is also wet. I do not approve.

I hate potholes.

Another friend, when I told her about my run, threw out the question of what I would have done if I had twisted my ankle or something when I was in the middle of my run and four or five miles away from home. Funny thing, that kind of happened. Three times. It turns out that a man can't see potholes when he is running in the middle of the night because it is pitch black out.

I hate running. Hate is a strong word--but not nearly strong enough.

So, it may turn out that I am a freak. How many people can randomly decide at 10 pm to go out and run 10.1 miles without training ahead of time and actually do it? I may retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club--clearly my work here is done. Obviously, I am the king of fitness. Now all you have to do is listen to what I say.

I rule.

I Hate Running

As you may know, I hate running. Honestly, it just doesn't feel good. Never mind the fact that it is completely boring. It also turns out that running strengthens your heart and is an excellent way to lose weight--both of which are things I may want to consider.

Since tonight is election night and I don't want to hear a danged word about it, I was trying to think of something good to occupy my time. I came very close to settling on a movie marathon, but someone told me "don't be a Sara" and I knew I had to do something less pathetic. I'm still cheap, though, and I knew I didn't want to be out and about because a lot of people are going to be talking about that stupid election and I still don't want anything to do with that.

Put A (above) and B (also above) together, and what've you got? I decided to go for a little run today. Now, I'm famous for preparing poorly for a run. Today I felt like I should do this thing right.

Before any exercise, it's important to stretch properly. I'm generally not very patient, and stretching is a little too subdued for my tastes. Well, I figured that since running is all lower-body, I could probably stretch by just riding my bike for a while. That doesn't really make sense unless you really want it to, and I did, so that's what I did. Of course, it was already dark out before I even left work, so I rode the bike in the basement. And, if you're just gonna be in the basement, might as well put in a movie, right? So that's what I did. After an hour and forty minutes and a good movie, I felt fully stretched.

Another important thing to successful exercise is to make sure you have proper energy. I drank some Gatorade and ate some pie after the bike. Mmm, pie.

So, the run. I ran a mile on the treadmill. Woo. Running sucks as it is, but running on a treadmill is even worse. I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I've been running towards that dumb white wall for a while now, and I still haven't run into it. What is this?

Sometimes I miss the good ol' days when exercising was something you did in gym class and the only other thing you did to raise your heart rate was to play tonsil hockey with your girlfriend's best friend during her band concert. Looking back, I feel like a B.B. King song. (You know, "The Thrill is Gone"?)

Tips For Healthy Living

Well, boys and girls, it's been a while since I've contributed my brilliance to the efforts of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. I've noticed that America is still fat, so I guess my country still needs me. So here are some tips for healthy living.

• Basketball is a fun and healthy exercise. Play.
• Practicing free throws, while valuable to your development as a player, is possibly the least effective means to improve your health playing basketball. Try doing some layups. Dunk the ball a few times--even if that means lowering the rim a little bit.
• When you are dunking the ball, or otherwise attacking the rim, it is vital that you keep in mind where the pole is. That's right, most basketball hoops are mounted to a pole of some sort. While your high-flying antics may be exhilarating, you will follow those antics with the devastating effects of gravity. At that point, you won't care about the ball, rim, or the authority with which you "threw it down." Instead, you'll care about the collision with the pole. It hurts.
• Another healthy exercise of which I am a fan, as any regular reader of this blog knows, is biking. Riding your bicycle is an excellent form of aerobic exercise. I recommend doing your biking during the day when the sun is still out. It works out a lot better that way.
• If you must ride your bicycle in the dark, the ditch is your friend (as opposed to traffic).
• If you must take the ditch, hope that nothing traumatic happens.
• When something traumatic happens, you'll be glad to be carrying your cell phone.
• Always carry your cell phone.

Remember, improve your health by carrying a cell phone at all times. Never mind the brain cancer stuff.