Bike With Mike

I have kind of been doing this in an informal way, but I am in the process of putting together a bicycling club of sorts.  For those of us who are here in the Rockford area, I'll try to encourage you to train and get out and off your couch--at least when the weather is decent.  I'll still try to encourage those of you in Texas or wherever, but I'm limited in what I can do for you. 

The goal of the moment is to ride together at this year's Door County Century in September.  The DCC is a 100-mile bike ride in Door County Wisconsin.  For those of you who think that sounds utterly unimaginable, there are shorter routes available as well (but do the whole thing).  Really, though, there is plenty of time to prepare and it's not that hard.  (It's not a race.)

I'd like to get some team shirts (unless you want to be cool and wear real-life bicycling clothes--totally not my style), maybe see about using it to support some cause.

I've got a half-dozen people who have expressed interest so far.  Let me know if you want to join!  If you don't know me personally, and you don't want to just leave your information in a comment, you can join our Facebook group.

I'm Back

I am just like Michael Jordan.  I am the best there ever was, the best there ever will be.  Wait, no, that's not it.  I'm like Michael Jordan because I reached my goals, retired, and a little over a year later I have decided to return with great fanfare. 

* insert great fanfare here *

I haven't blogged about the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club for over a year, and in that time I have done absolutely nothing to work towards fitness.  It's kind of gross, actually. 

The one thing that I did do last year, though I never bothered to blog about it, was to attend the Door County Century.  I fully intended to do the full hundred miles of the ride, but I wussed out and did the 75 mile route--something I blame entirely on riding my low-end mountain bike instead of a high-quality road bike like everyone else. 

Well, I'm doing it again.  It appears that I've actually assembled a group of riders already, as I've already got a half-dozen people who say they want to participate.  It should be a lot of fun.  And, unlike last year, I think I will actually train for the thing.  If you would like to join us (or sponsor us), get in touch with me.  (If you don't have a better way, comments definitely work.)

My Retirement

Dear Friends,

The purpose of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club has never been to battle our "Not Celebrity," but a battle against "Not Fit." While some readers may not appreciate the subtleties of this distinction, I think most of you were able to grasp the significance.

I have never personally struggled with "Not Celebrity." Women want to be with me. Men want to be me. (Some men want to be with me, too, but we won't go there.) Our cause needed a spokesperson, and I have always been willing to take whatever role I could to help make America beautiful again. At times, however, I have struggled with the "Not Fit" part.

It was from these roots that I embraced my role in the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Our Club has had its desired effect. I am fit now. (If you can run ten miles without training for it, I will declare you fit as well.) Instead of fighting with you in the valley, America, I now sit on the top of the mountain and await your arrival. Join me in the bliss of fitness.

Therefore it is with minimal sadness and great superiority that I must retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Join me, oh beautiful America! I miss you so!

Love,

Mike Lyons
The Not Celebrity Fit Club Spokesman Emeritus

I rule.

Hate is a Strong Word

Hate is an awfully strong word.

I hate running.

I may have mentioned my hate of running in previous blogs (1, 2, 3). I will occasionally (approximately once every six months) go run a mile. I don't like it, but I know it's good for me. But, I honestly hate running. It is simply the most boring thing I can think of to do with my time.

Last time I ran a mile, however, someone told me that I should try running ten miles. I'm sure she's done it loads of times. She said it's torture. That sounds like a challenge to me. I pondered it for a few days, and decided what the heck--I'll try it. So, I found a little route through the countryside that Google Maps indicates is 10.1 miles.

Mind you, I don't think I've ever run more than three miles at once before in my entire life--and that was at least a decade ago. What a great idea.

I hate snow.

I dislike cold in general, but snow is the worst. I guess snow isn't so bad if you don't have to go outside in it. I did go out in the cold, though. Snow is cold. Snow is also wet. I do not approve.

I hate potholes.

Another friend, when I told her about my run, threw out the question of what I would have done if I had twisted my ankle or something when I was in the middle of my run and four or five miles away from home. Funny thing, that kind of happened. Three times. It turns out that a man can't see potholes when he is running in the middle of the night because it is pitch black out.

I hate running. Hate is a strong word--but not nearly strong enough.

So, it may turn out that I am a freak. How many people can randomly decide at 10 pm to go out and run 10.1 miles without training ahead of time and actually do it? I may retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club--clearly my work here is done. Obviously, I am the king of fitness. Now all you have to do is listen to what I say.

I rule.

I Hate Running

As you may know, I hate running. Honestly, it just doesn't feel good. Never mind the fact that it is completely boring. It also turns out that running strengthens your heart and is an excellent way to lose weight--both of which are things I may want to consider.

Since tonight is election night and I don't want to hear a danged word about it, I was trying to think of something good to occupy my time. I came very close to settling on a movie marathon, but someone told me "don't be a Sara" and I knew I had to do something less pathetic. I'm still cheap, though, and I knew I didn't want to be out and about because a lot of people are going to be talking about that stupid election and I still don't want anything to do with that.

Put A (above) and B (also above) together, and what've you got? I decided to go for a little run today. Now, I'm famous for preparing poorly for a run. Today I felt like I should do this thing right.

Before any exercise, it's important to stretch properly. I'm generally not very patient, and stretching is a little too subdued for my tastes. Well, I figured that since running is all lower-body, I could probably stretch by just riding my bike for a while. That doesn't really make sense unless you really want it to, and I did, so that's what I did. Of course, it was already dark out before I even left work, so I rode the bike in the basement. And, if you're just gonna be in the basement, might as well put in a movie, right? So that's what I did. After an hour and forty minutes and a good movie, I felt fully stretched.

Another important thing to successful exercise is to make sure you have proper energy. I drank some Gatorade and ate some pie after the bike. Mmm, pie.

So, the run. I ran a mile on the treadmill. Woo. Running sucks as it is, but running on a treadmill is even worse. I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I've been running towards that dumb white wall for a while now, and I still haven't run into it. What is this?

Sometimes I miss the good ol' days when exercising was something you did in gym class and the only other thing you did to raise your heart rate was to play tonsil hockey with your girlfriend's best friend during her band concert. Looking back, I feel like a B.B. King song. (You know, "The Thrill is Gone"?)

Tips For Healthy Living

Well, boys and girls, it's been a while since I've contributed my brilliance to the efforts of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. I've noticed that America is still fat, so I guess my country still needs me. So here are some tips for healthy living.

• Basketball is a fun and healthy exercise. Play.
• Practicing free throws, while valuable to your development as a player, is possibly the least effective means to improve your health playing basketball. Try doing some layups. Dunk the ball a few times--even if that means lowering the rim a little bit.
• When you are dunking the ball, or otherwise attacking the rim, it is vital that you keep in mind where the pole is. That's right, most basketball hoops are mounted to a pole of some sort. While your high-flying antics may be exhilarating, you will follow those antics with the devastating effects of gravity. At that point, you won't care about the ball, rim, or the authority with which you "threw it down." Instead, you'll care about the collision with the pole. It hurts.
• Another healthy exercise of which I am a fan, as any regular reader of this blog knows, is biking. Riding your bicycle is an excellent form of aerobic exercise. I recommend doing your biking during the day when the sun is still out. It works out a lot better that way.
• If you must ride your bicycle in the dark, the ditch is your friend (as opposed to traffic).
• If you must take the ditch, hope that nothing traumatic happens.
• When something traumatic happens, you'll be glad to be carrying your cell phone.
• Always carry your cell phone.

Remember, improve your health by carrying a cell phone at all times. Never mind the brain cancer stuff.

A Day in the Life: Part I

Right off the bat, in the interest of full disclosure, let me assure you that I make no representation that the following is in any way indicative of an "average day." (Is there even such a thing?) Instead, the following is merely the story of one day.

The day started in the typical manner: the alarm went off, and I hit snooze. Today I really didn't want to get up. I was tired, and my back hurt--right in that one stupid spot where it always hurts ever since "The Incident." Of course, I did get up, and I went to my brother's for our morning workout.

I am not a morning person. As a non-morning person, "morning workouts" are minimal to say the least. We lift weights, but only a few selected exercises, which are all upper-body. I don't do lower body for a couple of reasons. First, I have no concern regarding my lower-body strength. I've always excelled at the lower-body lifts, and to be honest, if my legs can carry around the rest of me that's plenty good enough for me. Secondly, there aren't that many lower-body exercises that do not include back strength, which I tend to avoid so as to not aggravate the stupid spot.

Weight lifting for me right now is an exercise in personal humiliation. Today I started off strong, but that tapered pretty quick.

On a more standard day, after lifting I would go home and get ready for work. Today I don't have to go to work until a little later, so I decided to take a leisurely trek on the bike. (And I do mean leisurely--it was very slow. I'm not much of a morning person.)

But not before I ate a nutritious breakfast. I had cookies and milk.

Weldon Rd to Bridgeland Rd to Westfied Rd to McNair Rd to Swift St to Cunningham Rd to Kendall Rd to Edwardsville Rd to Weldon Rd - 14.9 miles

I started off rather dissatisfied with the whole thing. The stupid spot in my back was still acting up, and it was misting out. A full-blown rain probably would have talked me out of the thing altogether, but a little mist I can handle--with no great pleasure. The mist went away, but the cool air didn't. What happened to my summer? It never really got hot this year at all. But I digress.

You can never go wrong with a nice bike ride some place new. Today I saw a statue of an ear of corn. Seriously. The thing was probably thirty inches tall. It was ridiculous. I appreciate the fine art of concrete lawn decor, but that was...ridiculous.

Roadkill is a fact of life on a bicycling trip.

It's amazing how many times you will see a car going the other way, and then within minutes have it pass you going the same way. Do people really lack planning that much? I hardly ever do that. Crazy country folk.

I was totally planning on going twenty miles, but I got tired and lazy and quit at 15 (almost). Did I mention that I'm not really a morning person?

On to second breakfast: Cookie Crisp. Now, I know someone will say--probably not in a comment (chicken!) but to me personally--"Mike, how can you advocate health and fitness when all you eat is cookies?" You can eat cookies if you lift weights and ride your bike 15 miles before work. Try it.

Read Part II | Part III

A Bike Ride - J.R.R. Tolkien Style

S Weldon Rd to "the Prairie Path" to Comly Rd to W McNair Rd to Heeren Dr to Shelden Dr to W School St to N Swift St to W Winnebago St to S Elida St to E Cunningham Rd to David Dr to Mutton Dr to Westfield Rd to Bridgeland Rd to S Weldon Rd (about 13 miles - hard to tell since Google can't map the Prairie Path. Stupid Google)

Tonight's bike ride was extra special because I had Bo Burnham's song "My Whole Family..." in my head most of the time.

Startling Realization:

Lately, the bike riding hasn't been as fun as I thought maybe it should be. It seemed like I was enjoying it a lot more last summer. It dawned on me what the difference is: last summer, I wasn't spending all my time on roads. Biking on roads is like eating carrots for every meal. It gets old wit a quickness. (Yes, I know I spelled that wrong.) So, today I spent a significant portion of my ride on "the Prairie Path" which is to say "the path left when they took out the railroad tracks."

Good times:

I don't remember if I blogged about it, and chances are good that if I did no one bothered to read it, but last summer I had a recurring nightmare in which I would be riding my bike down the prairie path and I would get my bike stuck in a big hole. The hole was full of water, and no matter how hard I pedaled, no matter if I went through the center of the hole or on the left side or the right side, no matter if I entered the hole at blazing speed, I always got stuck. I was determined not to let that stupid hole beat me, but it did. Repeatedly. (And, for the record, this really happened.)

Well, the hole is still there. And with all the rain we've had this year, it's worse than ever. In fact, there are large stretches of the prairie path that are aquatic animal wildlife refuges at this point. Today, when I got stuck in the hole, I thought my whole front tire was going to disappear in front of me. When I finally stopped and got off the bike, there was only about three inches of my tire still visible. So, I don't feel bad for not pedaling through.

It's Gotta Be The Shoes:

When I bike, I usually wear the cheapest, crappiest sandals money can buy. Today was no exception. I suppose a "real" bike enthusiast would tell us that there are certain kinds of shoes that should be worn, and I'm sure he would have lots of reasons for it. Well, I have lots of reasons for what I wear, too.

When I go out on my bike, especially if I'm going off-road, I wear the crappiest clothes I own--not that there's a huge difference between those and my Sunday best. Whatever I wear is going to get dirty--real, real dirty--possibly dirty beyond my ability to clean. The footwear is no exception. No point ruining good footwear.

Cheap, crappy sandals float. This is really important. If my sandals didn't float, I would have come home a sandal short, if I was lucky enough to not have to come home barefoot.. As it is I almost lost one anyway, because there was so much mud in it.

The Memories:

When I was a kid, we would occasionally go for a walk on the prairie path. Of course, back then the bridges were in better condition. There is a section of the path that has signs on each end warning "bridge out." Well, that didn't stop me. (Ssshhh. It's our secret.) Anyway, it was kind of fun to ride my bike and think, "Wow, this is a lot crappier than it was twenty years ago."

And the Flashback:

After my stint on the prairie path, I was riding my bike on either Olney or McNair Road (it's hard to tell, since they kind of blend together), totally filthy. I was covered in mud from head to toe, thanks to the hole (see above) and must have lost all resemblance of respectabiltiy (as if I ever had any). These old people come bumbling along in their crappy minivan and the old lady in the passenger seat looked at me with this look of vile contempt on her face that could only be made by the spawn of Satan. It was like Christmas at the in-laws in June!

Morons:

The mental midgets that live in the house I grew up in have killed the beautiful maple tree that stood proudly in the front yard. That was sad to see.

Conspiracy Theory:

Have you heard about the black helicopters that the government denies even exist? I saw one today circle over me on my way home--twice. So either I'm being watched or somebody's scoping out the territory. If i have a heart attack, or a stroke, or disappear--blame the government. If anything tragic happens within a five-mile radius of Kelley Road and Westfield Road, just south of Winnebago, Illinois--it's a vast government conspiracy. So there you go.

No Pain No Gain:

Somehow genius (that's me) ended up with a gash in his heel. It makes for a fun art project, though.

Moo.

Weldon Rd to Bridgeland Rd to Westfield Rd to Edwardsville Rd to Alworth Rd to Bridgeland Rd to Osborne Rd to Cunningham Rd to Mcdamyn Cir W to Cunningham Rd to Winnebago Rd to Kelley Rd to Weldon Rd (13 miles)

Well, I haven't done the bike thing in a while. It turns out there are other things in life. (Who knew?) So, I headed out. As usual, I had no idea where I was going, and I wasn't surprised when I got there that it wasn't very interesting. The highlight of the evening came when I stopped to chase a toad off the road. Also, I scare cows.

Good day.

Civilization is Over-Rated

So, instead of a boring play by play of where I went (Ogle County) and what I saw (horses, cows, birds), I just want to say that after today's bike ride, I feel more confident than ever that civilization is over-rated. I far prefer nature to most people (you, the reader, are the exception, of course). Nature also smells better than most people.

For the record--about 13 miles today.