My Retirement

Dear Friends,

The purpose of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club has never been to battle our "Not Celebrity," but a battle against "Not Fit." While some readers may not appreciate the subtleties of this distinction, I think most of you were able to grasp the significance.

I have never personally struggled with "Not Celebrity." Women want to be with me. Men want to be me. (Some men want to be with me, too, but we won't go there.) Our cause needed a spokesperson, and I have always been willing to take whatever role I could to help make America beautiful again. At times, however, I have struggled with the "Not Fit" part.

It was from these roots that I embraced my role in the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Our Club has had its desired effect. I am fit now. (If you can run ten miles without training for it, I will declare you fit as well.) Instead of fighting with you in the valley, America, I now sit on the top of the mountain and await your arrival. Join me in the bliss of fitness.

Therefore it is with minimal sadness and great superiority that I must retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Join me, oh beautiful America! I miss you so!

Love,

Mike Lyons
The Not Celebrity Fit Club Spokesman Emeritus

I rule.

Hate is a Strong Word

Hate is an awfully strong word.

I hate running.

I may have mentioned my hate of running in previous blogs (1, 2, 3). I will occasionally (approximately once every six months) go run a mile. I don't like it, but I know it's good for me. But, I honestly hate running. It is simply the most boring thing I can think of to do with my time.

Last time I ran a mile, however, someone told me that I should try running ten miles. I'm sure she's done it loads of times. She said it's torture. That sounds like a challenge to me. I pondered it for a few days, and decided what the heck--I'll try it. So, I found a little route through the countryside that Google Maps indicates is 10.1 miles.

Mind you, I don't think I've ever run more than three miles at once before in my entire life--and that was at least a decade ago. What a great idea.

I hate snow.

I dislike cold in general, but snow is the worst. I guess snow isn't so bad if you don't have to go outside in it. I did go out in the cold, though. Snow is cold. Snow is also wet. I do not approve.

I hate potholes.

Another friend, when I told her about my run, threw out the question of what I would have done if I had twisted my ankle or something when I was in the middle of my run and four or five miles away from home. Funny thing, that kind of happened. Three times. It turns out that a man can't see potholes when he is running in the middle of the night because it is pitch black out.

I hate running. Hate is a strong word--but not nearly strong enough.

So, it may turn out that I am a freak. How many people can randomly decide at 10 pm to go out and run 10.1 miles without training ahead of time and actually do it? I may retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club--clearly my work here is done. Obviously, I am the king of fitness. Now all you have to do is listen to what I say.

I rule.

I Hate Running

As you may know, I hate running. Honestly, it just doesn't feel good. Never mind the fact that it is completely boring. It also turns out that running strengthens your heart and is an excellent way to lose weight--both of which are things I may want to consider.

Since tonight is election night and I don't want to hear a danged word about it, I was trying to think of something good to occupy my time. I came very close to settling on a movie marathon, but someone told me "don't be a Sara" and I knew I had to do something less pathetic. I'm still cheap, though, and I knew I didn't want to be out and about because a lot of people are going to be talking about that stupid election and I still don't want anything to do with that.

Put A (above) and B (also above) together, and what've you got? I decided to go for a little run today. Now, I'm famous for preparing poorly for a run. Today I felt like I should do this thing right.

Before any exercise, it's important to stretch properly. I'm generally not very patient, and stretching is a little too subdued for my tastes. Well, I figured that since running is all lower-body, I could probably stretch by just riding my bike for a while. That doesn't really make sense unless you really want it to, and I did, so that's what I did. Of course, it was already dark out before I even left work, so I rode the bike in the basement. And, if you're just gonna be in the basement, might as well put in a movie, right? So that's what I did. After an hour and forty minutes and a good movie, I felt fully stretched.

Another important thing to successful exercise is to make sure you have proper energy. I drank some Gatorade and ate some pie after the bike. Mmm, pie.

So, the run. I ran a mile on the treadmill. Woo. Running sucks as it is, but running on a treadmill is even worse. I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I've been running towards that dumb white wall for a while now, and I still haven't run into it. What is this?

Sometimes I miss the good ol' days when exercising was something you did in gym class and the only other thing you did to raise your heart rate was to play tonsil hockey with your girlfriend's best friend during her band concert. Looking back, I feel like a B.B. King song. (You know, "The Thrill is Gone"?)