Not Celebrity Not Fit Club

Bike With Mike

2010-01-08T09:49:00.000-08:00

I have kind of been doing this in an informal way, but I am in the process of putting together a bicycling club of sorts. For those of us who are here in the Rockford area, I'll try to encourage you to train and get out and off your couch--at least when the weather is decent. I'll still try to encourage those of you in Texas or wherever, but I'm limited in what I can do for you.

The goal of the moment is to ride together at this year's Door County Century in September. The DCC is a 100-mile bike ride in Door County Wisconsin. For those of you who think that sounds utterly unimaginable, there are shorter routes available as well (but do the whole thing). Really, though, there is plenty of time to prepare and it's not that hard. (It's not a race.)

I'd like to get some team shirts (unless you want to be cool and wear real-life bicycling clothes--totally not my style), maybe see about using it to support some cause.

I've got a half-dozen people who have expressed interest so far. Let me know if you want to join! If you don't know me personally, and you don't want to just leave your information in a comment, you can join our Facebook group.

I'm Back

2010-01-03T21:45:00.000-08:00

I am just like Michael Jordan. I am the best there ever was, the best there ever will be. Wait, no, that's not it. I'm like Michael Jordan because I reached my goals, retired, and a little over a year later I have decided to return with great fanfare.

* insert great fanfare here *

I haven't blogged about the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club for over a year, and in that time I have done absolutely nothing to work towards fitness. It's kind of gross, actually.

The one thing that I did do last year, though I never bothered to blog about it, was to attend the Door County Century. I fully intended to do the full hundred miles of the ride, but I wussed out and did the 75 mile route--something I blame entirely on riding my low-end mountain bike instead of a high-quality road bike like everyone else.

Well, I'm doing it again. It appears that I've actually assembled a group of riders already, as I've already got a half-dozen people who say they want to participate. It should be a lot of fun. And, unlike last year, I think I will actually train for the thing. If you would like to join us (or sponsor us), get in touch with me. (If you don't have a better way, comments definitely work.)

My Retirement

2008-11-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

The purpose of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club has never been to battle our "Not Celebrity," but a battle against "Not Fit." While some readers may not appreciate the subtleties of this distinction, I think most of you were able to grasp the significance.

I have never personally struggled with "Not Celebrity." Women want to be with me. Men want to be me. (Some men want to be with me, too, but we won't go there.) Our cause needed a spokesperson, and I have always been willing to take whatever role I could to help make America beautiful again. At times, however, I have struggled with the "Not Fit" part.

It was from these roots that I embraced my role in the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Our Club has had its desired effect. I am fit now. (If you can run ten miles without training for it, I will declare you fit as well.) Instead of fighting with you in the valley, America, I now sit on the top of the mountain and await your arrival. Join me in the bliss of fitness.

Therefore it is with minimal sadness and great superiority that I must retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. Join me, oh beautiful America! I miss you so!

Love,

Mike Lyons
The Not Celebrity Fit Club Spokesman Emeritus

I rule.

Hate is a Strong Word

2008-11-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

Hate is an awfully strong word.

I hate running.

I may have mentioned my hate of running in previous blogs (1, 2, 3). I will occasionally (approximately once every six months) go run a mile. I don't like it, but I know it's good for me. But, I honestly hate running. It is simply the most boring thing I can think of to do with my time.

Last time I ran a mile, however, someone told me that I should try running ten miles. I'm sure she's done it loads of times. She said it's torture. That sounds like a challenge to me. I pondered it for a few days, and decided what the heck--I'll try it. So, I found a little route through the countryside that Google Maps indicates is 10.1 miles.

Mind you, I don't think I've ever run more than three miles at once before in my entire life--and that was at least a decade ago. What a great idea.

I hate snow.

I dislike cold in general, but snow is the worst. I guess snow isn't so bad if you don't have to go outside in it. I did go out in the cold, though. Snow is cold. Snow is also wet. I do not approve.

I hate potholes.

Another friend, when I told her about my run, threw out the question of what I would have done if I had twisted my ankle or something when I was in the middle of my run and four or five miles away from home. Funny thing, that kind of happened. Three times. It turns out that a man can't see potholes when he is running in the middle of the night because it is pitch black out.

I hate running. Hate is a strong word--but not nearly strong enough.

So, it may turn out that I am a freak. How many people can randomly decide at 10 pm to go out and run 10.1 miles without training ahead of time and actually do it? I may retire from The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club--clearly my work here is done. Obviously, I am the king of fitness. Now all you have to do is listen to what I say.

I rule.

I Hate Running

2008-11-04T19:44:00.001-08:00

As you may know, I hate running. Honestly, it just doesn't feel good. Never mind the fact that it is completely boring. It also turns out that running strengthens your heart and is an excellent way to lose weight--both of which are things I may want to consider.

Since tonight is election night and I don't want to hear a danged word about it, I was trying to think of something good to occupy my time. I came very close to settling on a movie marathon, but someone told me "don't be a Sara" and I knew I had to do something less pathetic. I'm still cheap, though, and I knew I didn't want to be out and about because a lot of people are going to be talking about that stupid election and I still don't want anything to do with that.

Put A (above) and B (also above) together, and what've you got? I decided to go for a little run today. Now, I'm famous for preparing poorly for a run. Today I felt like I should do this thing right.

Before any exercise, it's important to stretch properly. I'm generally not very patient, and stretching is a little too subdued for my tastes. Well, I figured that since running is all lower-body, I could probably stretch by just riding my bike for a while. That doesn't really make sense unless you really want it to, and I did, so that's what I did. Of course, it was already dark out before I even left work, so I rode the bike in the basement. And, if you're just gonna be in the basement, might as well put in a movie, right? So that's what I did. After an hour and forty minutes and a good movie, I felt fully stretched.

Another important thing to successful exercise is to make sure you have proper energy. I drank some Gatorade and ate some pie after the bike. Mmm, pie.

So, the run. I ran a mile on the treadmill. Woo. Running sucks as it is, but running on a treadmill is even worse. I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I'm running towards a white wall! I've been running towards that dumb white wall for a while now, and I still haven't run into it. What is this?

Sometimes I miss the good ol' days when exercising was something you did in gym class and the only other thing you did to raise your heart rate was to play tonsil hockey with your girlfriend's best friend during her band concert. Looking back, I feel like a B.B. King song. (You know, "The Thrill is Gone"?)

Tips For Healthy Living

2008-10-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well, boys and girls, it's been a while since I've contributed my brilliance to the efforts of the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club. I've noticed that America is still fat, so I guess my country still needs me. So here are some tips for healthy living.

Basketball is a fun and healthy exercise. Play.
Practicing free throws, while valuable to your development as a player, is possibly the least effective means to improve your health playing basketball. Try doing some layups. Dunk the ball a few times--even if that means lowering the rim a little bit.
When you are dunking the ball, or otherwise attacking the rim, it is vital that you keep in mind where the pole is. That's right, most basketball hoops are mounted to a pole of some sort. While your high-flying antics may be exhilarating, you will follow those antics with the devastating effects of gravity. At that point, you won't care about the ball, rim, or the authority with which you "threw it down." Instead, you'll care about the collision with the pole. It hurts.
Another healthy exercise of which I am a fan, as any regular reader of this blog knows, is biking. Riding your bicycle is an excellent form of aerobic exercise. I recommend doing your biking during the day when the sun is still out. It works out a lot better that way.
If you must ride your bicycle in the dark, the ditch is your friend (as opposed to traffic).
If you must take the ditch, hope that nothing traumatic happens.
When something traumatic happens, you'll be glad to be carrying your cell phone.
Always carry your cell phone.

Remember, improve your health by carrying a cell phone at all times. Never mind the brain cancer stuff.

A Day in the Life: Part I

2008-08-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

Right off the bat, in the interest of full disclosure, let me assure you that I make no representation that the following is in any way indicative of an "average day." (Is there even such a thing?) Instead, the following is merely the story of one day.

The day started in the typical manner: the alarm went off, and I hit snooze. Today I really didn't want to get up. I was tired, and my back hurt--right in that one stupid spot where it always hurts ever since "The Incident." Of course, I did get up, and I went to my brother's for our morning workout.

I am not a morning person. As a non-morning person, "morning workouts" are minimal to say the least. We lift weights, but only a few selected exercises, which are all upper-body. I don't do lower body for a couple of reasons. First, I have no concern regarding my lower-body strength. I've always excelled at the lower-body lifts, and to be honest, if my legs can carry around the rest of me that's plenty good enough for me. Secondly, there aren't that many lower-body exercises that do not include back strength, which I tend to avoid so as to not aggravate the stupid spot.

Weight lifting for me right now is an exercise in personal humiliation. Today I started off strong, but that tapered pretty quick.

On a more standard day, after lifting I would go home and get ready for work. Today I don't have to go to work until a little later, so I decided to take a leisurely trek on the bike. (And I do mean leisurely--it was very slow. I'm not much of a morning person.)

But not before I ate a nutritious breakfast. I had cookies and milk.

Weldon Rd to Bridgeland Rd to Westfied Rd to McNair Rd to Swift St to Cunningham Rd to Kendall Rd to Edwardsville Rd to Weldon Rd - 14.9 miles

I started off rather dissatisfied with the whole thing. The stupid spot in my back was still acting up, and it was misting out. A full-blown rain probably would have talked me out of the thing altogether, but a little mist I can handle--with no great pleasure. The mist went away, but the cool air didn't. What happened to my summer? It never really got hot this year at all. But I digress.

You can never go wrong with a nice bike ride some place new. Today I saw a statue of an ear of corn. Seriously. The thing was probably thirty inches tall. It was ridiculous. I appreciate the fine art of concrete lawn decor, but that was...ridiculous.

Roadkill is a fact of life on a bicycling trip.

It's amazing how many times you will see a car going the other way, and then within minutes have it pass you going the same way. Do people really lack planning that much? I hardly ever do that. Crazy country folk.

I was totally planning on going twenty miles, but I got tired and lazy and quit at 15 (almost). Did I mention that I'm not really a morning person?

On to second breakfast: Cookie Crisp. Now, I know someone will say--probably not in a comment (chicken!) but to me personally--"Mike, how can you advocate health and fitness when all you eat is cookies?" You can eat cookies if you lift weights and ride your bike 15 miles before work. Try it.

Read Part II | Part III

A Bike Ride - J.R.R. Tolkien Style

2008-06-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

S Weldon Rd to "the Prairie Path" to Comly Rd to W McNair Rd to Heeren Dr to Shelden Dr to W School St to N Swift St to W Winnebago St to S Elida St to E Cunningham Rd to David Dr to Mutton Dr to Westfield Rd to Bridgeland Rd to S Weldon Rd (about 13 miles - hard to tell since Google can't map the Prairie Path. Stupid Google)

Tonight's bike ride was extra special because I had Bo Burnham's song "My Whole Family..." in my head most of the time.

Startling Realization:

Lately, the bike riding hasn't been as fun as I thought maybe it should be. It seemed like I was enjoying it a lot more last summer. It dawned on me what the difference is: last summer, I wasn't spending all my time on roads. Biking on roads is like eating carrots for every meal. It gets old wit a quickness. (Yes, I know I spelled that wrong.) So, today I spent a significant portion of my ride on "the Prairie Path" which is to say "the path left when they took out the railroad tracks."

Good times:

I don't remember if I blogged about it, and chances are good that if I did no one bothered to read it, but last summer I had a recurring nightmare in which I would be riding my bike down the prairie path and I would get my bike stuck in a big hole. The hole was full of water, and no matter how hard I pedaled, no matter if I went through the center of the hole or on the left side or the right side, no matter if I entered the hole at blazing speed, I always got stuck. I was determined not to let that stupid hole beat me, but it did. Repeatedly. (And, for the record, this really happened.)

Well, the hole is still there. And with all the rain we've had this year, it's worse than ever. In fact, there are large stretches of the prairie path that are aquatic animal wildlife refuges at this point. Today, when I got stuck in the hole, I thought my whole front tire was going to disappear in front of me. When I finally stopped and got off the bike, there was only about three inches of my tire still visible. So, I don't feel bad for not pedaling through.

It's Gotta Be The Shoes:

When I bike, I usually wear the cheapest, crappiest sandals money can buy. Today was no exception. I suppose a "real" bike enthusiast would tell us that there are certain kinds of shoes that should be worn, and I'm sure he would have lots of reasons for it. Well, I have lots of reasons for what I wear, too.

When I go out on my bike, especially if I'm going off-road, I wear the crappiest clothes I own--not that there's a huge difference between those and my Sunday best. Whatever I wear is going to get dirty--real, real dirty--possibly dirty beyond my ability to clean. The footwear is no exception. No point ruining good footwear.

Cheap, crappy sandals float. This is really important. If my sandals didn't float, I would have come home a sandal short, if I was lucky enough to not have to come home barefoot.. As it is I almost lost one anyway, because there was so much mud in it.

The Memories:

When I was a kid, we would occasionally go for a walk on the prairie path. Of course, back then the bridges were in better condition. There is a section of the path that has signs on each end warning "bridge out." Well, that didn't stop me. (Ssshhh. It's our secret.) Anyway, it was kind of fun to ride my bike and think, "Wow, this is a lot crappier than it was twenty years ago."

And the Flashback:

After my stint on the prairie path, I was riding my bike on either Olney or McNair Road (it's hard to tell, since they kind of blend together), totally filthy. I was covered in mud from head to toe, thanks to the hole (see above) and must have lost all resemblance of respectabiltiy (as if I ever had any). These old people come bumbling along in their crappy minivan and the old lady in the passenger seat looked at me with this look of vile contempt on her face that could only be made by the spawn of Satan. It was like Christmas at the in-laws in June!

Morons:

The mental midgets that live in the house I grew up in have killed the beautiful maple tree that stood proudly in the front yard. That was sad to see.

Conspiracy Theory:

Have you heard about the black helicopters that the government denies even exist? I saw one today circle over me on my way home--twice. So either I'm being watched or somebody's scoping out the territory. If i have a heart attack, or a stroke, or disappear--blame the government. If anything tragic happens within a five-mile radius of Kelley Road and Westfield Road, just south of Winnebago, Illinois--it's a vast government conspiracy. So there you go.

No Pain No Gain:

Somehow genius (that's me) ended up with a gash in his heel. It makes for a fun art project, though.

Moo.

2008-06-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

Weldon Rd to Bridgeland Rd to Westfield Rd to Edwardsville Rd to Alworth Rd to Bridgeland Rd to Osborne Rd to Cunningham Rd to Mcdamyn Cir W to Cunningham Rd to Winnebago Rd to Kelley Rd to Weldon Rd (13 miles)

Well, I haven't done the bike thing in a while. It turns out there are other things in life. (Who knew?) So, I headed out. As usual, I had no idea where I was going, and I wasn't surprised when I got there that it wasn't very interesting. The highlight of the evening came when I stopped to chase a toad off the road. Also, I scare cows.

Good day.

Civilization is Over-Rated

2008-05-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

So, instead of a boring play by play of where I went (Ogle County) and what I saw (horses, cows, birds), I just want to say that after today's bike ride, I feel more confident than ever that civilization is over-rated. I far prefer nature to most people (you, the reader, are the exception, of course). Nature also smells better than most people.

For the record--about 13 miles today.

Tooling Around

2008-05-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I didn't bother going out until it was pretty close to dark, so I just tooled around the little subdivision off Weldon Road between Kelley Road and Bridgeland Road. As far as anything bike enthusiasts would be interested in, it was nothing to write home to mom about. (Happy -belated- Mother's Day, by the way, to those of you who deserve it.) But, it was actually quite a bit of what I like about riding my bike.

It was a cooler night, so I was (unfortunately) pretty aware of the temperature. Have you ever been swimming in a natural body of water and found "warm spots"? (For the record, I always just assumed someone had just peed there.) I found "warm spots" when I was out on my bike, which I've never really noticed before. Of course, they didn't last long, because I'd pedal right through, but that's beside the point.

The whole point of the bike, besides burning time and calories, is to get out there and see the world at a speed that someone with my (read: low) level of intelligence can actually take in. I like to smell the flowers and trees. I like to analyze the landscaping decisions people have made. I like to find out which dogs bark at bicycles. I like to see which houses have pools in the back (which, of course, I want to swim in, whether anyone invites me or not). You just can't do that stuff driving by at 70 mph.

Fun Run

2008-05-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

Running is almost certainly the most boring and ridiculous exercise ever invented. Personally, I haven't run since last September. For some reason, I decided to run tonight.

It was getting dark when I went, and (oddly) running in the dark doesn't bother me one bit but riding my bike in the dark is simply out of the question. I would like to be able to provide some thoughtful bit of reasoning for this. Perhaps I could say that if I go over broken glass when I am running, it may put small cuts in the bottom of my shoes, but if I ride my bike over broken glass I may get to carry my bike home. That sounds at least somewhat reasonable to me... but in truth I think it is because in the dark I may not see something important on the bike, and when I am running other people may not see something important running (ME). I guess if I didn't blog about it, no one would know these embarrassing tidbits.

Just like last time, I simply ran to the sign and ran home--one mile. The time was about nine minutes, which is sad and pathetic. It didn't feel good. I don't know why I bother.

Good day.

Searching for Ethanol

2008-05-05T18:33:00.001-07:00

Tonight's journey takes us all round the area where the ethanol plant was supposed to be (but mysteriously disappeared--another victim of C.A.V.E., Citizens Against Virtually Everything). I took the oft-traveled Weldon Road, Cunningham Road and all through the Redenius Woods subdivision north of Cunningham, over to Meridian Road, south to Kelley Road and all through the subdivision south of Kelley.

There are lots of big expensive houses on those roads. I am going to have a big house like that same day... but probably not until after I'm dead. I find it humorous how much money these people out in the middle of the country, who many of whom paid premium prices for wooded lots, put into having thick, healthy, green, weed-free lawns. "I love nature--except weeds."

The more I ride my bike, the more obvious the following truth becomes to me: since I ride in circles (always ending up where I started from), the hills always even out. Some times you work your tail off going uphill first, and then reap the benefits on the downhill. Other times you get to freeload first, but then have to make up for it later. This being said, I've decided that anyone who likes to bike should hills. Sure, the ups are more work, but the downs are the most fun ever.

No ethanol located.

Weldon Road

2008-05-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today's route was a whole bunch of Weldon Road and some little side roads... I had to plot eight destinations on Google Maps to figure out the distance (which, by the way, was 10.2 miles). No big deal. But today's highlight was that my brother came along for more than half the trip. That was fun. So, if you want to have fun, you should go on a bike ride with me, too.

Before heading out tonight, I did some maintenance-type stuff on my bike. It's probably a good thing I did... much of it was well past due, but the thing that bothered me was the hardware that I tightened that was about an inch from having my bike fall in half mid-use. That would totally blow. So, today's bit of free advice: keep your bicycle properly maintained.

Weldon Road's not all it's cracked up to be. I would like to suggest that the proud property owners plant some trees or something.

Possible Detours

2008-04-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight's trip was the trip of "oh, hey, I should go this way again and go there."

Weldon Road to Montague Road to Westfield Road to Edwardsville Road to Weldon Road - 7.9 miles

On Weldon Road, I went by a tree-lined private driveway. Anything tree-lined is somewhat appealing to me anyway, but I happen to know that back in that general direction there is a pond that I'd love to have an uninvited swim in.

Also off Weldon Road is a new subdivision I would like to tour. There's something about fresh cut lumber. If I had, say, half a million dollars to blow, I might buy one of those houses.

Next, on Montague Road, I pedaled past Severson Dells Forest Preserve. I've been there, of course, but it'd be a fun afternoon to stop and horse around there for a while. It definitely seems like a place you would want to visit while wearing bug screen.

A quick trip past a pond--yet another place I would enjoy an uninvited swim in.

Westfield Road, unfortunately, doesn't have a lot of potential detours. But, I did see a swimming pool that I would like to take an uninvited swim in. (Surprise!) Also, there could be some improvements in the draining of the ditches.

I can't even remember Edwardsville Road. There was some sort of little store that nobody even knows exists. There's an ice cream sign in the window--which definitely merits a visit--but it was closed when I went by.

For the record, three herds of cows today.

This route is a nice one; there's not much in the way of hills around here, but as hills go, there are some fun one on this route, and some nice views. I don't know; I think everybody should try this route. Do it. Do it now! Okay, not now--it's dark out.

That Blows

2008-04-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

Well, despite the fact that the weather report indicated that it felt like thirty degrees when I checked this morning, I decided to ride my bike to the bank anyway. I dressed for the cold--but the temperature was the least of my worries.

The entire distance is 10.2 miles, which isn't so big of a deal, but the wind was just death. I've never seen anything like it. I took forever--partially because I had to stop to fix my bike (twice), partially because I stopped several times to get a drink Gatorade, partly because I stopped to conduct a transaction at the bank, but mostly because the wind was insane! Don't get me wrong--it was great when I was going east, and it was okay when I was going north, but going south was like going uphill the whole time.

The killer, though, was when I was going west. It was actually easier to go uphill than downhill, because when I was going uphill the hill blocked some of the wind! I've never experienced anything like it. I had to pedal hard to go downhill. It was so ridiculous.

The third coolest thing that happened was when I faced east and spit. I was riding south, and my tire was on the outside white line... and the spit landed on the center line.

The second coolest thing was seeing a couple of baby colts. Woo.

The coolest thing was riding my bike with the wind on Bridgeland Road. Going uphill was was easy like flat road. Going on flat road was like going downhill. Going downhill was like, uh, going downhill. That was pretty anti-climactic, wasn't it? Deal with it.

Become an amazing physical specimen - like me!

Bigger, Better, Harder

2008-04-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

So, today I took a new route on the bike. The old route features nothing more than a bunch of fields, a herd of cows, and a cemetery. The new route still has the fields, but features two fields of cows. More importantly, it features more hills, bigger hills, some curves, lots more trees, wildlife (including deer and rabbits), and more cars. While some of those hills are a little tougher than the old route, it's a whole lot more fun. It's also only 4 miles. Nothing is perfect.

And, by the way, it took 21 minutes.

Join The Not Celebrity Not Fit Club!

Biking to Nowhere V

2008-04-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, I realized on tonight's bike trip that it's getting really boring doing the exact same route every single time I go out. I'm going to branch out and try some different routes. So, this series of blogs may, at some point, gain some level of readability.

This trip did have a bit of its own merit, though. On my previous trips, I frequently found myself trying to gain speed on the downhills (while it was easy) and then trying to carry the momentum into the following uphill. The problem with this, of course, is that no matter how hard you petal going downhill, it's never good enough. So today I took it easy on the level and downhill portions of the trip, and tried to put extra effort into short bursts on the uphill portions. It worked out pretty well. It wasn't my fastest time ever, but I never had a chance at that tonight anyway.

04.21.08	29 minutes
04.16.08	32 minutes
04.11.08	35 minutes
04.07.08	35 minutes
04.02.08	25 minutes
03.30.08	32 minutes

Biking to Nowhere IV

2008-04-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

I recognize that the 9 1/2- or 10-hour day, followed by a full meal, immediately followed by a bike trip isn't the best schedule. But, seriously, given the limited number of daylight hours, and the number of hours that I don't have a lot of flexibility with, I'd like to know if anybody has a clue how to do better.

Of course, with the exception of a few workout nuts, I don't know too many people who exercise with any regularity or purpose outside of whatever their regular lifestyle includes. I know people who get their exercise as bi-product of their job, and I know people who get exercise as a bi-product of chasing their kids, and I know precious few people who choose to make working out the number one priority in their lives--but the rest of you only seem to exercise if the planets happen to align that way. (This, my friends, is why America is fat.)

Anyway.

04.16.08	32 minutes
04.11.08	35 minutes
04.07.08	35 minutes
04.02.08	25 minutes
03.30.08	32 minutes

Chart that. It's totally ridiculous.

Biking to Nowhere III

2008-04-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

This blows.

04.11.08	35 minutes
04.07.08	35 minutes
04.02.08	25 minutes
03.30.08	32 minutes

If you want to be an amazing physical specimen, read this.

And if you've got a lot of time...
Biking to Nowhere
Biking to Nowhere II

Biking to Nowhere II

2008-04-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I could blame the 10-hour work day. Or the fact that I ate pretty much until it hurt immediately before I left. But, the simple fact is that I'm a wuss. I went out for the standard bike trip, and it took dang near forever.

04.07.08	35 minutes
04.02.08	25 minutes
03.30.08	32 minutes

Vomit.

This crap has got to stop. Actually, my brother says it's good. He points out that you're supposed to work out for 30 minutes a day, and that's really the point anyway. Besides (he says)--it's not like I'm racing anybody or anything. So, as usual, be just like me.

If you want to be an amazing physical specimen, read this.

And if you've got a lot of time...
Biking to Nowhere

Biking to Nowhere

2008-04-02T22:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Saturday I took my bike for a trip around the countryside here. It was really sad. It was abundantly clear that I hadn't exercised all winter. The standard trip (about 6 miles) took me 30-35 minutes. (For charting purposes, I'll say 32 minutes.) Sad. Today I went again, and this time it took me 25 minutes. I felt a lot better about that.

Two different individuals mentioned to me that they needed to start a more disciplined exercise routine. I guess I'm going to have to do this Not Celebrity Not Fit Club thing for real. I'll figure something out. :)

It's pretty well accepted that if you want to get in shape, one of the best things you can do is chart your progress. So, uh, enjoy:

04.02.08	25 minutes
03.30.08	32 minutes

If you want to be a stunning specimen like me, I have some more reading for you. Start here.

Hot New Ab Workout - Warning

2007-12-15T22:57:00.000-08:00

I hope you are all having luck with the Hot New Ab Workout that I developed and shared with you earlier.

It's really important that you follow the procedure as I've described and don't try to develop your own deviations. I know that some of you have begun hitting the snooze button with your foot, instead of sitting up like I told you to. That's cheating, and totally self-defeating!

If you must use the foot method, I suggest that you set your snooze for about two seconds, and give yourself a couple of hours (one for each foot) each day to get any results. I don't really know if that will work, but it's your best bet. Cheaters.

For more on how you can become an amazing physical specimen, join the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club! Click here for more information.

Hot New Ab Workout

2007-12-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

Hey, boys and girls, here's a hot new ab workout that I'm sure you'll all enjoy. I've been doing this for a while now, and let me tell you, it's dynamite.

Here's how it works. Set your alarm clock by the foot of your bed, and set it really early. When the dang thing goes off, sit up and hit the snooze button. Go back to sleep. Repeat until you can't take it anymore. Then get ready for work.

Like I said, I've been testing this one myself, and the results are amazing. Check me out. No, seriously, check me out.

For more on how you can become an amazing physical specimen, join the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club! Click here for more information.

Push Ups

2007-12-01T06:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know how often normal people do push ups. I used to really enjoy doing them. We even played the world-famous push up game.

The Mike Lyons Show Random Tangent of the Day
The Push Up Game

Each player assumes the ready push up position. (The players should be on their hands and feet only, with nothing else touching the ground.) The first player does ten push ups. The player may take as much time as he or she chooses to complete his push ups. While the player does the ten push ups, the other players must remain in the ready push up position. When the first player completes his turn, the next player takes his turn to do ten push ups. Players continue to take their turn in order. If at any time a player is unable to stay in the push up position, the player must leave the game. Play continues until no players remain.

Most people do push ups with palms down, but some choose to do their push ups with closed fists. If you've always done your push ups one way, the other method will feel a little different. I highly recommend that you take a few minutes to do some push ups using the method you aren't accustomed to using. Go ahead, try it. Now, go back to the closed-fist method like a man.

For more on how you can become an amazing physical specimen, join the Not Celebrity Not Fit Club! Click here for more information.